Death becomes him

img_3649Last night I watched my dad die again.  I relive the same event several times a month via dreams.  I see him laying on the floor in his office, my mom panicked over the top of him and my brother struggling to get to him.  I’m at the end of the long hallway and I’m screaming dad, as I run but I can never seem to reach him.  It always ends the same.  He dies, and then he comes back to tell me to stop watching him die.  I can’t.  I don’t know how.  It’s carved into my memory.  It’s hard to go to sleep at night, out of fear of how I’ll awake.  My dad was stronger than the Incredible Hulk, smarter than Iron Man, and he could beat Chuck Norris up all while painting his toe nails with me as we listened to Britney Spears.  The trauma of finding my hero wounded and dying has not left me even after 6 years.  My dreams have become the only place I can meet him, where I seek counsel and guidance….  If only that sweet reunion would end in a peaceful goodbye.

Author: thegoldenrocks

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

3 thoughts on “Death becomes him”

  1. The Golden Rocks, My Dad was the Best Man I was ever to know , and in fact, My Uncle Frank(Great Uncle, and My Dad’s Uncle), was the other Good Man I was to know for a good many years. My Little Brother Frank is a Good Man.
    But you grabbed me by the throat with the mention of “your Hero”, and I know he had to be all you say, because so was My Dad.
    Thank You for this post;
    Robert Blackhorn StrongBow

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I am crying with you.
    I don’t know if you are still having this dream all this time later but it sounds like it has been going on for years now.
    I want to pray for a new dream for you, one that sees what your Dad sees, the new life, the light, the complete renewal of his broken body. I pray that your new dream will see him smiling. I pray your new dream will see that in that moment when you stood completely helpless, Jesus took your hand and squeezed it, before he lifted your Dad up. He is the reason you could not get closer in that physical moment. But he is the reason you can get close now.
    He is the one who sees your Dad daily still and he is the one who sees you. I pray that you will see Jesus’ encouraging eyes and feel the warmth of his touch in your hand. In that moment I pray that a huge shield will come around you, holding back the fear and the pain, and filling you instead with assurance for your Dad and safety and hope for yourself, your mum and your brother. God bless you as you dream, may you never feel alone and frightened and helpless again.
    So I am praying this for you, I hope you will agree with me in prayer.
    Much love, be encouraged, you are so dearly loved.


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