Read this in whispered distress

The ghost is not gone. She is haunting me. You know the ghost I mentioned in previous blogs that lies within myself. She RUNS from relationships. Physically RUNS. I tried to be brave. I tried to end it. I said the words. But here you are, as if I’m in heat, chasing me through the dang store. I liked to be chased. Not necessarily by someone I told not to chase me… Thank goodness I have a sister who will put on a show with me last minute as I call her in whispered distress. ‘I need you to stay on the phone with me… if I say the word sunflower, I want you act out a level 10 emergency and I will put on my best fake nurse performance and run to the car’. I shouldn’t of chose today to claim my free kind bar with my coupon… gluttony got the best of me. I won’t make that mistake again.

Code word for code red

I did a bad thing. I played hot and cold with you. It’s a little game people play when they aren’t too interested in you but they give you attention here and there to string you along in case they get bored… I shouldn’t have done that. I know that now. I tried to correct it by being blunt and telling you how I felt. Yet here you are still pawing at the hem of my skirt as if I never left. Why? Word of advice, if the faucet is running hot and cold, SHUT. IT. OFF. Do not entertain someone who is playing games with you. This is your life, not a game. If they are entertaining multiple people SHUT. IT. OFF.

Why did I need this?

You don’t have to be rude about it, just politely decline anymore advances and show yourself some respect. Women are attracted to people who love themselves, respect themselves, have values and standards. When you pursue someone who has made it clear they aren’t interested in you, then you are giving them permission to use and lose you. Don’t be that person. I’m sorry I was that person to you, I’m still growing myself and will heed my own advice.

That ghost came to protect me from things like this. She has seen this before and knows EXACTLY how this goes. So she helps me disappear before the crazy comes to get me. I attract crazy… or maybe I create it? They don’t start out that way. But they end that way. It’s a mystery to me but for right now I’ll let my sympathetic nervous system take over. My heart is currently trying to escape to walls that enclose it as I run frantically through the market like an animated cartoon character with James Bond moves. Weaving in and out of aisles, and hiding behind cereal boxes.

Harnessing positive energy

I did a weird thing this weekend. I’m not ashamed of either. It’s called grounding or maybe you know it as earthing. It’s supposed to give you a positive charge when you connect your bare skin to the earth, whatever the heck that means. I’ve taken on a new challenge to explore new things regularly. This entire weekend was filled with new things. I went ax throwing… and I’m absolutely terrible at it. However if there ever comes a time when this newly acquired skill from the Middle Ages is necessary, I could totally chop your feet off… or at least get you in the shin while I run away.

This morning I was trying to stick to this good energy grounding vibe I’ve been exploring and since I live less than 5 minutes from paradise I chose to take my early morning run there. The fun thing about this place is that you can spend an entire weekend here and there’s still more to come back and discover! I’ve lived here for over 20 years and I’m still finding new things every visit!

Found this cute bench in the woods!

At the end of my run I made my descend down to the great falls to calm the sweat before returning to my car. If you get here early enough in the morning you don’t have the fuss of the tourist to work around. I took my shoes off and inspected my feet for cuts before dipping them in the water, can never be to careful with all that necrotizing fasciitis floating around. I admit I should’ve read more on how this grounding stuff works before trying it but I’m not much for instructions. I made up half the crap I did, even added some chanting in there while I tried to connect with Pocahontas. She didn’t respond in case you’re wondering.

My dad was a big nerd for quantum physics and he would support this journey of mine one hundred percent. He used to tell me we transfer energy into everything we do whether it’s cooking, working, crafting… that energy does not disappear! My dad was a frickin genius too, I never had a need for google while he was alive! The things he taught me about energy have never left me either, perhaps that’s why I collect vintage items and have a passion for anything and everything old and broken.

Great Falls Cotten Mill

Looking at this gives my spine a tingle. I’m trying to imagine the people who worked here and the lives they lived. Wondering to myself how do I harvest its energy? Should I stick with this earthing routine and lay my bare hands on it or stare really hard or what?! My dad would know the answer to that question. For now I’ll just admire its hollowed out bones.

Terribly beautiful

I can tell you about the energy of this bridge. The energy is negative. It is harnessing built up anger and betrayal that was instilled in it the day my brother decided to push me off of it. The bridge will never forget what you did to me Joshua, energy does not disappear. I don’t care how beautiful this old decrepit bridge is, I know what it feels inside and it’s hideous. We will leave that energy where it sits and take a stroll to greater things until I learn more about energy healing, which is in fact a real thing.

Behavior Modification

You know that old saying, “People don’t change”? Well that’s incorrect. Before posting those memes or quotes do yourself a favor and fact check them. Who said that? Were their words evidence based? What credentials does the person posting hold?

I testify that change is possible. The relationships you have can be mended, whether with your children, spouse, coworkers, friends, change is possible. You also have that extra tid bit added onto the saying, “people only change if they want to”… hmmm. That’s part of it but it’s only a half truth. People can change with a nudge in the right direction, encouragement, support, advice, and most of all RESPONSE!

One of my very favorite movies is War Room. If you haven’t seen it, add it to your watchlist! The story line is based on a married couple who are in the thick of it, constantly bickering, forgetting why they ever got married in the first place. An older woman comes into play to counsel the wife on how to create change in her relationship. The thing that happens here is that the counsel given to the wife was to change her own behavior. She had to change the way she acted and responded, she changed her life and worked on herself before her husbands behavior followed. And if it had played out another way she could’ve just left high and dry with her new found self. I think this is very wise information. No it doesn’t work every time, but it’s the best fighting chance for that change to happen.

Find it, watch it, live it.

If we have people in our lives that have continued behavior that effect our own lives, our response to that can change everything. I once went through a behavior modification course to work with people suffering from developmental disabilities. We were taught how to modify their behavior because most came from rough situations and displayed negative responses to situations, such as self mutilation when they felt they had done something wrong. The system for correction was categorized by cognitive function. I took this information home with me and practiced it on my own kids. It worked! It included praise, correction, consequence, and a way to respond to the situation in the future.

I feel like we too often forget our children are still learning, they need to know how to respond to future situations they are disciplined for. Instead of doing this do that! The way we respond to behavior displayed can change EVERYTHING!

It also works for behavior we want to see more often too! I remember being a young girl and having to do chores, one night I wiped the kitchen table off. I wasn’t expecting it but my mom walked by and said, ‘You did a really good job cleaning off that table Annabelle!’… you better believe that for the next week I cleaned that table every night even if it wasn’t on my chore list because I was the best dang table cleaner in the house! Praise the behavior you want to see more often. Change the way you respond to negative behavior, provide correction and consequence when need, and give an alternative for future mishaps.

Enter their darkness to bring them light

I want you to imagine that you’re at home with your kids. You’ve cooked them breakfast and are preparing to send them off to school. Your husband kisses you goodbye as he heads out to work and you load the kids in the car to take them to their studies. Your children engage you in conversation about the abandonment they feel is coming as you approach the school doors. You then console any worries they have by saying you’ll be returning after the last bell rings as you give them goodbye hugs and tell them to mind their manners. As the last child disappears into the school, you feel a freedom you hadn’t before. The day is yours to spend as you choose.

After doing a few chores at home you venture out to town, visiting the post office, library, and finally the market to grab some missing dinner ingredients. You’re in aisle 3 comparing the price vs lbs ratio on some pasta and out of the corner of your eye a lady in scrubs is approaching you holding a cup of pills. It’s odd. She calls you by name but you don’t recognize her. You look around and no longer recognize where you are and you can’t seem to find an exit. The lady in scrubs has a friendly affect and she knows your name so you confide in her, asking where you are and how to get home. You have children to tend to remember… you need to pick them up from school or they’ll be lost and abandoned just as they suspected they would be this morning when you dropped them off!

What you don’t remember that also happened this morning is that your children are now in their fifties, one of which even came to have breakfast with you, your husband has passed away and you’ve been living in a nursing facility for over 10 years. That friendly nurse has brought you a cup of pills to help manage the effects of Alzheimer’s although there is no cure. But that’s just it, you don’t remember these things. This morning you were 40 years younger and you can’t be convinced otherwise. Not with a mirror, not with photographs or videos. This stuff is all some sort of witchcraft to manipulate you. The government has taken you hostage. It’s mind control at its finest.

Approximately 10 years ago I was introduced to this disease while working at a skilled nurses facility. I watched an elderly woman roam the halls for hours searching for an exit, she wouldn’t eat lunch and when dinner came around I tried encouraging it to her and through her blood shot eyes and damp cheeks from the tears shed that day she said, ‘How can I eat when I know my children are out there hungry and waiting for me at home?’ She pleaded with me to help her find her way home. I remember going into the staff lounge that night and praying for peace for this woman.

The ones in the scrubs

Treat the people you do know suffering from this disease with understanding and patience. Enter their reality and do whatever it takes to ease their worries, ‘Billy called he’s staying at your moms tonight because there’s a storm coming, and the bus isn’t running right now so we are giving you a free nights stay here!’ The way you approach this situation could determine the rest of this persons day, make sure you approach it with a kind heart! And heed my warning when I say do NOT try to bring them into your reality, you will not win. This is a disease, their cognitive state has taken them to another time and telling them they cannot leave to go home is a declaration of war. You’ve just put their children’s lives in mortal danger, they will starve or be kidnapped on the way home from school. And if this is the approach you choose to take, be prepared for a fight. These elderly people may not look like they have much fight in them but put a threat like this on their kids lives and you’ll be in a battle for your own soon. That cortisol stress response will turn that frail old lady into a MMA fighter with the snap of a finger. Trust me, I’ve had the wind knocked right out of me… ‘Easy wasper, I’m just trying to love you!’

My inspiration for what I do!

I’ll have to credit my mom for the passion she has instilled in me to love and understand our elders. She was the Attending provider for NHC while I was growing up and often let me round with her. I was able to contract her contagious kindness and knowledge that she has for this disease process. There is nothing more humbling than working in this field. We’ve discovered effective coping strategies and distraction techniques but no cure to this day. So today hold your family closer, cherish the time you have with them and thank God for your cognitive well being. Because in 10 minutes you could be the one waking up in a different time, place, and without your loved ones.

Where my abs at tho?

I did 30 sit ups yesterday and yet my stomach still looks like a melted marshmallow. I can feel the work I’ve done but do I see it? Heck no. My sister is a health coach, she once helped me lose 82 lbs. She wanted to do before and after pics but I was too ashamed of the body that had become dwarfed by carrying 3 children. I wish I would have now. So I’ve decided to do before and after pics of my muscle toning! As you can see, there is NO muscle! If you push on my belly it goes from fat to bone. Oh joy. I’m pretty sure I just felt my spine in there somewhere.

I’ve lost approximately 25 lbs since May. The first thing I did was switch from drinking sodas to water only! It’s one step that will impact your entire weight loss journey to a healthier lifestyle. I don’t recommend diets, no drastic changes in eating habits. Not all at once anyways. This will cause relapse hard. I did this for about a week before I started the next step. Then I worked on having a healthier breakfast. I once heard that if you start your morning out with a healthier meal it will change the way you think the rest of the day! I believe that! I switched from no breakfast, or a quick donut/waffle.. ect, to a green juice, maybe some eggs or oatmeal, mainly FRUIT! I did this for about another week before cutting the fast food from my lunch and dinner routine. Instead I was eating salmon, salad, quinoa, ect. I was losing pounds left and right. My cravings that were screaming CODE RED! CODE RED! EMERGENCY! Had stopped all together! I got full on smaller portions, my clothes got baggy, and I feel more energized than I have in a long time! My mood is even better! It’s been 3 months since I decided to make a lifestyle change and now I’m working to tone up the mess I made.

I think we all expect to see change overnight when we make good decisions. We may not see it but man oh man will you feel it. A quote I posted to my LDS Quotes page this morning said, “First I Obey, Then I understand” Marjorie Hinkley said that. She was my favorite prophets wife! A little inspiration to continue onward without seeing the results. You will understand after you do the work!

How to create you own adventures

Bored. Oh good lord, why the heck are you bored? There are so many things to do out there! People make excuses for not having adventure in their lives but that’s what they are excuses. Maybe you feel you work too much, don’t have extra time to go rock climbing or sit in an art class? I’ve heard it all.

I too have a full time job, I have 3 kids and responsibilities but I also find adventure throughout everyday. I work in a skilled nursing facility so I bet you’re thinking what kind of adventure lies there right? Well pal, you’re talking to a chick who challenged a elderly lady in a wheelchair to a race… and WON! I also had a fake wedding with a confused man who noticed I wasn’t wearing a wedding band and asked me to be his wife… the things I do to keep the peace. Last night I convinced my kids I was a real witch and had a ceremony initiating each of them into my coven. We’re the nightingale witches now, in case you’re wondering.

Adventure is all around you. Find it, create it, live it.

It’s Saturday morning, I’ve been up since my internal alarm clock went off at 5. I’ve already thought of the possibilities the day awaits, invited a friend to be hypnotized with me, woke my grumpy ex husband up so I could plan my day better, watched a ted talk and a clip from Debbi’s design diary, thought about going to the gym then put my yoga shorts on and thought… erhm maybe not. Whatever my plans are for the day you can bet I won’t be bored.

Tip #1 do something different. Stop trying to be that picture perfect southern girl who wears the monogrammed shirts with leggings and cowgirl boots. Yes, Karen with the big hair, I’m talking about you. No one cares what your initials are except stalkers and people from ancestry.com, is that really the crowd you’re trying to attract? Think about things you haven’t done before, new hiking routes, festivals, play games in your everyday life. I once had my kids all draw a name from a cup, whichever name they chose they got to pick the outfit for that person from goodwill under $10 and then they had to wear it while we went bowling. I was hoping they’d stuff me in a wedding gown similar to Miss Havisham’s from great expectations but what they chose was even better! Shoulder pads for days.

Tip #2 Be willing to leave your comfort zone. This one is tough. We’ve created a bubble where staying in and watching Netflix in our jammies, while eating slim Jim’s is the new norm. Come on folks, watching other people live their lives is no adventure. Get off the couch, dust that powdered sugar off your shirt and do something! I have an idea, go outside right now, grab the garden hose and spray your self in the face… did that wake you up? Pull you out of zombie mode? Cool. Now pull up your events page on Facebook. Click the this weekend button and choose something weird, something you wouldn’t normally do. Do it.

Tip #3 Enhance your social circle. Find friends that are extroverts and cling to them, these are the ones who will be down for anything spontaneous. Also, find friends who are introverts, these ones will have the cool ideas for what your doing next. Yes those quiet people who keep to themselves, they have the best personalities once you break down their wall and take them hostage as your friend (that’s pretty much the only way to establish friendship with them in my experience). Get you a Jew too. Jews are frickin awesome. Your social circle is going to be a big part in this adventure.

Tip #4 Have you a baby. Okay this one may not be for everyone, but man is that an adventure all on its own. If you can’t have kids or are waiting until a later time, get you a pet. Like a goat, goat yoga is a thing now. This creates a bond between another soul in this life that is unique. It’s unlike the friendships you share, this relationship will be one where you give everything you’ve got and not expect a thing in return. This is a humbling adventure, one where you’ll discover a different side of yourself that you didn’t know existed.

I’m off to my next adventure, take these words to heart and get out there to create your own!

Death becomes him

img_3649Last night I watched my dad die again.  I relive the same event several times a month via dreams.  I see him laying on the floor in his office, my mom panicked over the top of him and my brother struggling to get to him.  I’m at the end of the long hallway and I’m screaming dad, as I run but I can never seem to reach him.  It always ends the same.  He dies, and then he comes back to tell me to stop watching him die.  I can’t.  I don’t know how.  It’s carved into my memory.  It’s hard to go to sleep at night, out of fear of how I’ll awake.  My dad was stronger than the Incredible Hulk, smarter than Iron Man, and he could beat Chuck Norris up all while painting his toe nails with me as we listened to Britney Spears.  The trauma of finding my hero wounded and dying has not left me even after 6 years.  My dreams have become the only place I can meet him, where I seek counsel and guidance….  If only that sweet reunion would end in a peaceful goodbye.

My Bathroom Fiasco

I thought demolition would be the hard part.  Man oh man was I wrong!  It took us a good four hours ripping my surround shower tub combo out. We used different saws and hammers to break it apart and then carried it out in chunks. The guys helping me capped the water off so that I’d still be able to use the sink and what not.  Let me state this now,  if you haven’t followed my previous blog we are all winging this!  None of us have ever redone a bath before and we have been prepping ourselves with YouTube videos and advice from people we meet!  On that note, my ex husband does drywall for a living and offered to handle that part.  He is also a compulsive liar and it’s rare for him to follow through with anything he says.  Thursday was our demolition day, my ex was supposed to drywall Friday, and then Saturday we would tile.  It’s Monday morning and here I sit staring at the unfinished wall in my bathroom.

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I’ve decided that after my morning class I am going to come back home and finish the job myself.  Heck, I watched him do it… he measured the wall, cut the hardie board with a razor and then screwed it to the wall, how hard could it be?  That’s only one of my dilemmas.  The other dilemma is that facet.  I think the guys helping me rigged it in the bathtub because it is not holding up well.

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It’s not centered and there is a big gap between the tub and the facet. I’m having a mini stroke just seeing it, and imagining how in the world we are going to fix it. If ANYONE, ANYWHERE has advice for me I would greatly appreciate it!!!

The losing battle of the single mom

Restraining kids to their beds isn’t an option is it?  I need advice on how to keep my 4 year old from leaving her bed at night that also allows me to achieve a sane number of sleeping hours.  I told her that she could no longer sleep in her older sisters bed.  I want her to start sleeping in her own bed each night.  I spent an entire weekend painting and remodeling her room for her, I bought a bed, dresser, and a nightstand with a small tv.  The kid has it made, I slept in a sleeping bag my entire 2nd grade year and I didn’t have a dresser until I bought one when I was 18.  But does any of that matter? No.  She sneaks out of her room every night and crawls into her sisters bed.  I’ve tried to guard the door, I caught her twice last night but she is a night owl and always out last me!  I resulted to threats last night, I told her if I woke to find her in her sisters bed she would be punished.

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I woke up, went straight to her room, No Hailee?  Go to her sisters room look in bed, no Hailee?  Small heart attack, as I catch a glimpse of a small people on the floor.  It’s Hailee, sleeping in her sisters room on the floor.  I’m losing this fight.

Mixing pleasure with work 😏

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I’m supposed to be learning about the different structures of the skeletal system.  While taking pictures of each piece of bone to study later at home I took the most epic photo of this Mandible.  I’ve always loved photography and now I want to go around taking beautiful pictures of every piece of bone in class!  Well I’ve got to go back to work, tally ho!