The ghost is not gone. She is haunting me. You know the ghost I mentioned in previous blogs that lies within myself. She RUNS from relationships. Physically RUNS. I tried to be brave. I tried to end it. I said the words. But here you are, as if I’m in heat, chasing me through the dang store. I liked to be chased. Not necessarily by someone I told not to chase me… Thank goodness I have a sister who will put on a show with me last minute as I call her in whispered distress. ‘I need you to stay on the phone with me… if I say the word sunflower, I want you act out a level 10 emergency and I will put on my best fake nurse performance and run to the car’. I shouldn’t of chose today to claim my free kind bar with my coupon… gluttony got the best of me. I won’t make that mistake again.
I did a bad thing. I played hot and cold with you. It’s a little game people play when they aren’t too interested in you but they give you attention here and there to string you along in case they get bored… I shouldn’t have done that. I know that now. I tried to correct it by being blunt and telling you how I felt. Yet here you are still pawing at the hem of my skirt as if I never left. Why? Word of advice, if the faucet is running hot and cold, SHUT. IT. OFF. Do not entertain someone who is playing games with you. This is your life, not a game. If they are entertaining multiple people SHUT. IT. OFF.
You don’t have to be rude about it, just politely decline anymore advances and show yourself some respect. Women are attracted to people who love themselves, respect themselves, have values and standards. When you pursue someone who has made it clear they aren’t interested in you, then you are giving them permission to use and lose you. Don’t be that person. I’m sorry I was that person to you, I’m still growing myself and will heed my own advice.
That ghost came to protect me from things like this. She has seen this before and knows EXACTLY how this goes. So she helps me disappear before the crazy comes to get me. I attract crazy… or maybe I create it? They don’t start out that way. But they end that way. It’s a mystery to me but for right now I’ll let my sympathetic nervous system take over. My heart is currently trying to escape to walls that enclose it as I run frantically through the market like an animated cartoon character with James Bond moves. Weaving in and out of aisles, and hiding behind cereal boxes.
I get two weekends out of the month to myself while my kids go to their dads. Thankfully I have a pool full of friends to hang out with during me time. This weekend I’ll be with my pals Jacob and Colton. They are pretty much the coolest guys you could ever meet! However that also means I have to clean my house… I don’t realize how crazy of a mess my house gets until I decide to have company over. I need some quick clean up tips… I’m too exhausted to actually have this social life thing going on.
On top of trying to get my house clean I’m running around like a chicken with its head chopped off after my children. This morning 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house for school my 10 year old daughter comes to ask me if she can wear something different. I asked why and she says, “Well because today is 50s day and I’ve signed up for a sock hop”. So panic mode set in and I ripped through her closet like a maniac trying to piece something together last minute
For a last minute outfit, I’m pretty impressed with my bad self… feeling like supermom at the moment but I’m sure when they come home this afternoon I’ll be brought back down off my high horse during some everyday fiasco. But for now I’ll live in the moment and applaud my small successes!
Growing up on 100 acres of land I had this special spot. My siblings and I discovered what would become our playground, safe haven, and above all our secret hideout. While playing outside one afternoon, we invaded the woods that edged the top of a hill. The area overlooked about 20 acres, including our home and the road we lived off. There was a tree that had been struck by lightening, giving it this bent shape which was perfect for sitting. My brothers sat atop this tree as the lookouts and spy’s while I decided to clean our new “home” by gathering fallen leaves and branches. As I swept the leaves together with my hands I noticed something sparkle. I moved more leaves to get a closer look, it was GOLD!!! Or so I thought at the time, turns out I found glittery gravel that people used back in the day for driveways. I alerted the lookouts and we quickly became treasure hunters for the day, whipping off our socks to shove the best looking rocks into them and smuggle them home for safe keeping in our underwear drawer. This place quickly became our new favorite place that we titled The Golden Rocks. It’s been 20 years and I still find myself wanting to runaway to hide, be alone, and think at my secret hideout. I’m a 28 year old single mother of 3, working full time while going to school full time… who wouldn’t want to run away? Writing down my trials, feelings, and experiences seems to be the best escape I’ve discovered so far, I figured the best way to get feedback and give out advice would be to create a blog. So here I have it my online Golden Rocks 😄.