The ghost is not gone. She is haunting me. You know the ghost I mentioned in previous blogs that lies within myself. She RUNS from relationships. Physically RUNS. I tried to be brave. I tried to end it. I said the words. But here you are, as if I’m in heat, chasing me through the dang store. I liked to be chased. Not necessarily by someone I told not to chase me… Thank goodness I have a sister who will put on a show with me last minute as I call her in whispered distress. ‘I need you to stay on the phone with me… if I say the word sunflower, I want you act out a level 10 emergency and I will put on my best fake nurse performance and run to the car’. I shouldn’t of chose today to claim my free kind bar with my coupon… gluttony got the best of me. I won’t make that mistake again.
I did a bad thing. I played hot and cold with you. It’s a little game people play when they aren’t too interested in you but they give you attention here and there to string you along in case they get bored… I shouldn’t have done that. I know that now. I tried to correct it by being blunt and telling you how I felt. Yet here you are still pawing at the hem of my skirt as if I never left. Why? Word of advice, if the faucet is running hot and cold, SHUT. IT. OFF. Do not entertain someone who is playing games with you. This is your life, not a game. If they are entertaining multiple people SHUT. IT. OFF.
You don’t have to be rude about it, just politely decline anymore advances and show yourself some respect. Women are attracted to people who love themselves, respect themselves, have values and standards. When you pursue someone who has made it clear they aren’t interested in you, then you are giving them permission to use and lose you. Don’t be that person. I’m sorry I was that person to you, I’m still growing myself and will heed my own advice.
That ghost came to protect me from things like this. She has seen this before and knows EXACTLY how this goes. So she helps me disappear before the crazy comes to get me. I attract crazy… or maybe I create it? They don’t start out that way. But they end that way. It’s a mystery to me but for right now I’ll let my sympathetic nervous system take over. My heart is currently trying to escape to walls that enclose it as I run frantically through the market like an animated cartoon character with James Bond moves. Weaving in and out of aisles, and hiding behind cereal boxes.
I did a weird thing this weekend. I’m not ashamed of either. It’s called grounding or maybe you know it as earthing. It’s supposed to give you a positive charge when you connect your bare skin to the earth, whatever the heck that means. I’ve taken on a new challenge to explore new things regularly. This entire weekend was filled with new things. I went ax throwing… and I’m absolutely terrible at it. However if there ever comes a time when this newly acquired skill from the Middle Ages is necessary, I could totally chop your feet off… or at least get you in the shin while I run away.
This morning I was trying to stick to this good energy grounding vibe I’ve been exploring and since I live less than 5 minutes from paradise I chose to take my early morning run there. The fun thing about this place is that you can spend an entire weekend here and there’s still more to come back and discover! I’ve lived here for over 20 years and I’m still finding new things every visit!
At the end of my run I made my descend down to the great falls to calm the sweat before returning to my car. If you get here early enough in the morning you don’t have the fuss of the tourist to work around. I took my shoes off and inspected my feet for cuts before dipping them in the water, can never be to careful with all that necrotizing fasciitis floating around. I admit I should’ve read more on how this grounding stuff works before trying it but I’m not much for instructions. I made up half the crap I did, even added some chanting in there while I tried to connect with Pocahontas. She didn’t respond in case you’re wondering.
My dad was a big nerd for quantum physics and he would support this journey of mine one hundred percent. He used to tell me we transfer energy into everything we do whether it’s cooking, working, crafting… that energy does not disappear! My dad was a frickin genius too, I never had a need for google while he was alive! The things he taught me about energy have never left me either, perhaps that’s why I collect vintage items and have a passion for anything and everything old and broken.
Looking at this gives my spine a tingle. I’m trying to imagine the people who worked here and the lives they lived. Wondering to myself how do I harvest its energy? Should I stick with this earthing routine and lay my bare hands on it or stare really hard or what?! My dad would know the answer to that question. For now I’ll just admire its hollowed out bones.
I can tell you about the energy of this bridge. The energy is negative. It is harnessing built up anger and betrayal that was instilled in it the day my brother decided to push me off of it. The bridge will never forget what you did to me Joshua, energy does not disappear. I don’t care how beautiful this old decrepit bridge is, I know what it feels inside and it’s hideous. We will leave that energy where it sits and take a stroll to greater things until I learn more about energy healing, which is in fact a real thing.
Multiple personalities? Maybe… I like to name them so that I know who I’m talking to when there’s another side of me that decides to crash the party. My washer door broke last night, I called upon Darby, my butch side to help me fix it. Darby’s been with me since about age 13. She’s frickin handy but don’t take her on a date. Trust me. She can make any man question his masculinity and that’s no good on dates. Darbs was making fun of me last night because I didn’t know how to make my screwdriver work, she says we’ll have to get the right tools cause mine are crap.
I spent 20 minutes on the phone with Josh last night… or did I? I feel like Nancy took over that conversation. He was complaining, and that sent Nancy an invite to show her rear end. “Let me tell you about all the problems in my life right now bro”. After that phone call ended I had to ask Cora to sage my room to clear the negative energy that was just brought in. Cora thinks she’s a witch. I’ve got to hand it to her for keeping things interesting. However she left a candle burning last night that gave me a wicked headache this morning. Thought about burning her at the stake but I may need her around to poke a voo doo doll here and there. Nancy hates that we sage behind her every time she leaves the room, but like I told her, she’s contagious and I can’t allow everyone else to be infected just because she decides to show up unannounced. She’s probably sulking somewhere as I write this.
The number one thing people ask when meeting me is, “where did you come from?” One of my recent favorites was at my friends lake house, Kathy my best friend, was introducing me to her stepmoms sister and about 5 minutes into conversation she looks at Kathy and says, “where did you find her?!” Well lady that depends on which version of myself you were talking to at the moment but I’m pretty sure that was Hannah. She came about when I was around 5 years old and stepped on a piece of glass making her the worlds biggest worrier. I have to hide her when Blaze is around. She calls it involuntary seclusion, I call it getting rid of mom while we have a fun time. To each his own.
Blaze is one of my favorite sides but man oh man is she reckless. She has absolutely no rules and creates disasters for the rest of us to clean up… Blaze is the chick that keeps these guys lingering on months, even years after it’s over. She is so dang charming it sickens me. She’s one of the personalities I hide from the children… they can NEVER meet her, I’ve told her this. She is too care free and irresponsible to be around children. Jenna gets along well with her, Jenna’s an artist and so she connects with that carefree side. If you remember my dresser idea that involved blood spats that was Jenna and Blaze conjuring up an idea together. They need to calm down.
That’s my inner monologue for the morning. No I don’t actually have multiple personalities that I know of, we all talk to ourselves sometimes, I’m just weird and assign them names. I’ve seen you do it, don’t lie. If you’ll excuse me Rose needs to get ready for work.
Mornings are the busiest part of our day. As I rush around reminding each kid of what they have left to do to get ready, I try to do various house chores. I usually clean when I come home from work or school but throughout the night the kids get up and roam through the kitchen, Hailee may have an accident and change clothes, they secretly create a fort… whatever the case, there is always more work in the morning! A few days ago while we were in our morning rush my 4 year old daughter Hailee decided to change her clothes and leave them in the floor. Fet up, I told her that she needed to pick her clothes up and walk them to the laundry hamper. Then I continued to lecture her about how she needed to start taking care of herself because no one was going to clean up after her when she got older hahaha, I realize now how crazy I sound. Well it turned out that Hailee took my words to heart. Yesterday she made her own lunch, cleaned up her own messes all day and then she decided to make me dinner.
She calls it lettuce soup. It has celery, fruit loops, and milk in it. She stood there with this super excited face just waiting for me to take a bite. So I did, I really did. Oh my goodness, the things we do to make our children happy. Needless to say, I won’t be giving Hailee anymore lectures until she learns her way around the kitchen.
Growing up on 100 acres of land I had this special spot. My siblings and I discovered what would become our playground, safe haven, and above all our secret hideout. While playing outside one afternoon, we invaded the woods that edged the top of a hill. The area overlooked about 20 acres, including our home and the road we lived off. There was a tree that had been struck by lightening, giving it this bent shape which was perfect for sitting. My brothers sat atop this tree as the lookouts and spy’s while I decided to clean our new “home” by gathering fallen leaves and branches. As I swept the leaves together with my hands I noticed something sparkle. I moved more leaves to get a closer look, it was GOLD!!! Or so I thought at the time, turns out I found glittery gravel that people used back in the day for driveways. I alerted the lookouts and we quickly became treasure hunters for the day, whipping off our socks to shove the best looking rocks into them and smuggle them home for safe keeping in our underwear drawer. This place quickly became our new favorite place that we titled The Golden Rocks. It’s been 20 years and I still find myself wanting to runaway to hide, be alone, and think at my secret hideout. I’m a 28 year old single mother of 3, working full time while going to school full time… who wouldn’t want to run away? Writing down my trials, feelings, and experiences seems to be the best escape I’ve discovered so far, I figured the best way to get feedback and give out advice would be to create a blog. So here I have it my online Golden Rocks 😄.